Dearest Agony
Please help me.
I’ve tried everything I can to look straight but I always seem to look like a massive bender no matter what I do or wear. I’ve even styled my hair into the shape of a “lady allotment” parting to make people thinking I munch from the bacon tulip even though I think about spam javelins all day and night. I’ve copied Ross Kemp’s masculine stances and watched all his videos but it’s still not convincing anyone.
Please help me as it’s affecting my career. I mean we all know that the US don’t like gays—look at Lyndsay Lohan’s career since she came out! And I really want to make it big over there. My mate Cheryl says I should try some fiancée bashing as apparently that’s a sure sign of heterosexuality but I’m scared she’ll hit me back.
Yours desperately
Simon Cowell
Dear Simon
Thank you for your letter and picture of your Moobs – I will recommend that they are placed in the Moobs of the month page here: http://thegussetmuncher.webeden.co.uk/#/moobs-of-the-month/4539970584
You’re right to assume you’re not fooling anyone pet. We all know you’re a massive gaylord.
For goodness sake – get yourself out of that closet you big girl’s blouse. Loads of successful people are gay and out. Look what happened to George Michael ‘s career. Lyndsey Lohan is a minge-flashing-talentless-tabloid-botherer – that’s why no-one employs her – it’s got nothing to do with whether she like Bacon or Spam!
Believe me you’ll be a much happier person for it. You’re also right to assume your fiancée would hit you back – I mean she looks like a man.
Stay in touch pet.
Agony xx
(I like that we’re on first name terms).
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Dear Agony
ReplyDeleteOk so my mum made me make this food ( you have to fold little pieces of dough with meatballs in them the food is called manti) from 3pm-8pm and after that i did the dishes and then the vaccuuming ( which she said i did a rush job of) anyway, so i said id do the dishes for my sister if she took me to coles and she said ok. then my mum said no after i had finished the dishes and vaccuuming for my sister. I said why can't i and she kept saying It's night, you have no job gooing there right now what are you going to buy,junk? etc. and then i kinda yelled youre so annoying what youre saying is so stupid it's not even a proper reason. and then she screamed NONONONO and she hit me with a spoon on the head. I grabbed the spoon off her and said dont hit me and she said piss off. I want to get back at her but i know not speaking to her won't work cos ive tried it before. ive thought of refusing to eat. any other ideas?
I think you should burn her.
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