From the Bigoted Woman

Gordon with his apres-sex smile

Dear Agony Aunt Audrey,

Please help me, I am distraught.
Yesterday I was called a bigoted woman by a prime minister whose name I won’t mention, and later he came round me house for a cuppa tea and to apologise. Any road, I accepted the apology and all that coz I’m nice. The thing is, I felt a bit amorous from all the attention so spiked his drink with sex drugs and later on we had a little bunk-up upstairs (hence his big grin when he left me house teehee). Any road I think I might be preggers and I’m a bit worried, what with being 66 and a bigot the outlook doesn’t look good.Please help.

Bigoted, Rochdale

Dear Bigoted

Thank you for your letter and DVD of The Cosby Show (you’re really not that bigoted).

Firstly I must reprimand you for spiking someone’s drink with Viagra against their will. It’s very naughty but I don’t blame you, the prime minister is a dish and I wouldn’t kick him out of bed even if he haemorrhaged out his anus on my Egyptian cotton after wash-day.

To be honest pet, you’re way too old to be up the duff, I presume your periods finished just after WW2 so I wouldn’t worried. I would however recommend that you go to your nearest GU clinic and get tested for everything coz he looks like the type to dip his wick into any old hag.

Best wishes

AAA xxx

Simon Cowell Closet Cover-up

Dearest Agony

Please help me.

I’ve tried everything I can to look straight but I always seem to look like a massive bender no matter what I do or wear. I’ve even styled my hair into the shape of a “lady allotment” parting to make people thinking I munch from the bacon tulip even though I think about spam javelins all day and night. I’ve copied Ross Kemp’s masculine stances and watched all his videos but it’s still not convincing anyone.

Please help me as it’s affecting my career. I mean we all know that the US don’t like gays—look at Lyndsay Lohan’s career since she came out! And I really want to make it big over there. My mate Cheryl says I should try some fiancée bashing as apparently that’s a sure sign of heterosexuality but I’m scared she’ll hit me back.

Yours desperately
Simon Cowell


Dear Simon

Thank you for your letter and picture of your Moobs – I will recommend that they are placed in the Moobs of the month page here: http://thegussetmuncher.webeden.co.uk/#/moobs-of-the-month/4539970584

You’re right to assume you’re not fooling anyone pet. We all know you’re a massive gaylord.
For goodness sake – get yourself out of that closet you big girl’s blouse. Loads of successful people are gay and out. Look what happened to George Michael ‘s career. Lyndsey Lohan is a minge-flashing-talentless-tabloid-botherer – that’s why no-one employs her – it’s got nothing to do with whether she like Bacon or Spam!

Believe me you’ll be a much happier person for it. You’re also right to assume your fiancée would hit you back – I mean she looks like a man.

Stay in touch pet.
Agony xx
(I like that we’re on first name terms).

Robbie Williams in 2D scandal

Deer Aguny Ant Ordury


I'm so glad I founded u. Vanessa Felch gave me ur email n that. Fank God coz I is well distrort.


I've resently bin told that i is infact just a 2d image CGI'ed into people's TVs for somethink called 'entertaymant' i don't buleeve this is trew n did a little cry n pooed myself. Please tell me i am real. Ur my only hope.


OMG!


Robbie W
xxx

Dear Robbie

Thank you for your letter and the beautiful pasta collage of Jason Orange (how did you know he was my favourite!)

I'm sorry to break the bad news pet but it is in fact true. You were created in 1938 by Nazi Cartoonist Jürgen Zörkler for an advertising campaign for a brand of butter called "Dicke Schweinbutter". The early drawings of you however aroused many German men and was promptly taken off the air and Jürgen Zörkler was shot.

Your drawings were left dormant until 1989 when a temp from an office in Derby accidently left them on a train. They blew their way to a boy-band audition where, after a few adaptations, succeeded as the leading band member. As modern technology spawned later versions of you have appeared as hologram and CGI.

Look on the bright side. At least you're not Gary Barlow.

Audrey x

Paul Danan (what a cunt)

Dear Audrey

I have just realised that I am a complete cunt. It seems that everyone knew it except me... you're always the last to know innit! It has come as quite a shock to me and I dunno how I can go about my normal life as obviously the knowledge that I am a complete cunt changes things.

Paul Danan

Dear Paul

Thank you for your letter (and the knitting patterns)Sorry to hear you're a complete cunt. You're obviously in shock pet so I recommend a holiday. Once you're back, hang out with bigger cunts such as Jonathan Ross, Myleene Klass and Jamie Oliver so you look less of a cunt. I will send you my leaflet 'Coping with being a Cunt' (please send a postal order for £4.99)

Audrey x